


breathe me

by hannuk



Category: Social Network (2010)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Gen, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-18
Updated: 2013-01-18
Packaged: 2017-11-25 23:50:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/644267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannuk/pseuds/hannuk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>depressed!mark</p>
            </blockquote>





	breathe me

**Author's Note:**

> i don't really know what i'm doing, i've just always wanted depressed mark fic. um warnings for self harm, anxiety, internalized homophobia, and depression.  
> just a short little drabble thing. i might continue it but i also might not.

There are days when he can’t get out of bed. His body feels too big for his skin, and he can feel it cracking, tearing when he tries to move. He doesn’t know if he feels sad anymore, it’s more like emptiness. It’s like hopelessness. It’s unbearable.  
  
But there are other days when he wakes up to a warm hand on his shoulder, a gentle voice telling him to get out of bed or he’ll be late, and that he brought coffee. Eduardo makes it bearable, sometimes. Makes it so Mark can get out of bed, drink his dessert-sweet coffee. He can call his mom and assure her that he is fine, that he’s been taking his meds, eating right, leaving his room.  
  
He wonders what Eduardo would say if he knew that the reason Mark stays in bed for days on end isn’t because of sleep deprivation from coding tears, if he saw the cuts that line his forearms, his thighs, his stomach. That they're what keep him grounded, keep him feeling real.  
  
They help him focus on coding too. It’s hard to try to code the facebook through the ever-present fog that clouds his mind. It makes his limbs feel heavy and sedated, and cutting is like diving into a freezing lake. It’s potent and it sharpens his mind. Coding comes quickly and easily after hurting himself.  
  
He's been like this for a long time, since before puberty he thinks, he's not exactly sure when it started. He doesn't know why either. He was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety when he was 14, and he's been on meds ever since. He thinks they sometimes help, but not always.  
  
He isn't always miserable, he has good weeks and bad weeks. Sometimes he'll go months without hurting himself at all. Sometimes he'll hang out with Chris, Dustin, and Wardo every night. He'll walk to class with Wardo, eat dinner with him. Sometimes after hanging out with Wardo, though, he'll cry for hours. He feels ashamed, because he's not a teenage girl and he shouldn't feel like this. Shouldn't be pining hopelessly after his gorgeous best friend, shouldn't even refer to guys as gorgeous. He thinks Chris would call him out on being sexist for this. But he also thinks some people would call him a fag or a pussy, and that scares him more than Chris does.


End file.
